BULLYING

Bullying... a topic often talked about and experienced, but the question is what are we doing to stop it? The Pink Shirt Day organisation have done a fabulous job in trying to recognise bullying in not only our communities around New Zealand but internationally. Today, I wore a pink shirt... but that alone doesn't help reduce the amount of bullying our kids today are attacked with. There's more to it and we need to understand what's going on.

PSD's motto "SPEAK UP. STAND TOGETHER. STOP BULLYING." is a powerful message that strikes relevance to my entire life. I was terribly picked on as a kid at school and it never got easier. I moved to 7 different schools and I could never seem to fit in. I would try to slot myself into circles of friends around school and was harshly (and bluntly) turned down every time. It seemed funny to most girls, inviting me to Birthday parties and running away from me was all just a mean game. After a while, it hurt. I'd be called names at school, punched against walls, laughed at and I even had food thrown in my face. The bathrooms became my 'spot' to eat lunch, where I wouldn't be picked on and I could escape it all. I'd beg my parents to not send me back to school, crying every night... the teachers offered me no support and I sometimes hid in classes until the school bell rang and I could run to my next class.

My question is and always will be... "why?" It just doesn't make sense to me why other girls felt they had the right to tell me I wasn't welcome and that I didn't 'belong'.

We are all so different and yet, it is almost as though we all should be the same to be accepted. In what crazy world would anyone ever want to be the same as someone else and pretend to be someone that they are not?

Have you ever watched the Disney cartoon 'Mulan'? It's about a girl who doesn't fit within the expectations of women in her town, and strikes up the courage to take the place of her ill father in a war training camp, which is forbidden. Mulan is faced with the complications of thinking with both her head and her heart in life and in combat, but succeeds in bringing honour to her family as she saves China. Anyway, to get the the point I'm making here... when facing her father towards the end of the film, he says to Mulan, "the flower that blooms in adversity, is the rarest and most beautiful of all." I loved this film growing up and this quote resonated with me. I really did click with these words of wisdom and they gave me the courage to acknowledge that I didn't have to fit in with what other girls thought I should be like, and instead, I should be comfortable with who I really am. If I was successful in believing so, then I would be beautiful no matter what and the opinions of others really are just their opinions and not a reflection of me. 

Being bullied isn't easy. That's the reality of it. A staggering 94% of NZ kids have experienced bullying at some point in their young lives. For me to think about what I went through, the idea so someone else living through it is not a pleasant thought, particularly when bullying extends beyond the playground because of social media. The affordances of social media obviously has it's pro's and con's, but when considering the prevalence of cyber-bullying it can become an even harsher act. Teens are becoming more and more invested in technology and use social networks as a normative way of communicating. Social networks assist bullies in attacking others more easily, and as a faceless act that requires no courage, which can be even more destructive. I fear that with communication of teen's these days being so heavily focused in social media, reaching out to others when they are the victim of cyber bullying will be something that is so foreign they will keep it to themselves. 

You need to talk to someone if you are being bullied. Since so many people have been bullied before, it's probably something you'll be able to connect with someone and deeply chat about. Bullying is already hard, don't make it harder for yourself. If you are one of the lucky ones who have never been bullied... awesome! But it doesn't mean you should turn a blind eye to someone being bullied. Help them out when they really need it, kindness costs nothing.

So, what can we do about it? – Good question, here's 10 things I can recommend:

1. Recognise when you or someone else is being bullied and do something about it. 

2. Speak up about it. Whether you are the victim or have witnessed it, have the courage to do what's right and talk to someone. Talk to a teacher or a parent and let them know what's going on.

3. If you are a bully, ask yourself why you are. It's not cool. If people like you for treating other's wrongly, think about the 'friends' that you have and if they are the kind of people who you'd want to spend the rest of your life with. If you're using someone's feelings as an outlet for something that's taking it's toll on you – then it's time to take direct responsibility and open up to someone than making a peer hurt too.

4. Never listen to hurtful words. Nasty words of bullies are never a reflection of you – they are a reflection of the person saying them. The only opinion that matters is yours. 

5. Be kind to yourself and others. Make the world a better place by focusing on you first. Don't be too quick to judge yourself or your peers.

6. Be conscious of the people you accept into your social networks. If they aren't really your 'friend' don't accept them. You are giving people access to your private lives, think twice before simply pressing the 'accept' button... are you saying yes out of flattery? Be sure to delete and report anyone who is attacking you virtually.

7. Be strong... and also allow yourself to feel. It's hard to pretend that you are okay all the time, and it's healthy to allow your self to let it out. Just remember to get back up again!

8. Remove yourself from the emotional situation. Try and imagine you can leave your body for a moment and just think about what is going on. Yes you are hurt and angry... don't succumb to their level. You're better than that. Just stop and look at the big picture.

9. Be positive. There will come a time where you can pick your friends and who you spend your time with. Those days are great!

10. Walk away from the situation. There's really nothing that shows greater self-control and self-respect than by choosing to walk away from the situation. Bullies are looking for a reaction – don't give them one.